Heavy at Heavyweights

Mr Serious and Mr Ultimate were in attendance at Chicago Heavyweights the other weekend. Lots of fuckin' hot serious ultimate. Serious ultimate gives Mr Ultimate and Mr Serious a reason to live life and a way to live it fucking right. If you don't think about ultimate the moment you wake up, when you put head to pillow at night, and while you're kissing your girlfriend, you are living with your head underground and breathing thick mud. Ultimate motherfucker!

Nemesis won the women's divison over Mojo with some sickly serious play. Mia, Mel, Becky, Hellyer and Co were balling as usual. Way to go ladies. Machine won their first pool with a big victory over Sub, then blew it after being up big on Pike, putting them into the semi-serious 5th place bracket. Come on boys. Put your foot on their nuts. There has been no indication on Mike Denardis' scintillating blog about whether he's going to quit the team two weeks before regionals to play co-ed. But a rumor reached the ears of Mr Ultimate that Mr Briefcase has a Youth M jersey waiting for him.

Speaking of, Mr Briefcase made it to the co-ed finals. Mr Serious and Mr Ultimate were on hand for the first point, but then decided it would be more enjoyable to get spontaneous proctology exams from this guy. Mr Serious can't concieve of a more appropriate venue for Briefcase to bust out of the pack than a tournament called "Heavyweights." Briefcase doesn't seem to be taking a casual attitude towards cases of ding dongs. I didn't know

Mr Briefcase takes a breather between points

Under Armor made maternity jerseys.

A third of the guys on the team look like they haven't seen a track workout since college. Mr Ultimate suspects the influence of their strength and conditioning coach. Sure, Mr Serious plans to grow a huge gut and play beer league softball when he's 38 and living in Rolling Meadows, but not quite yet.

Another third of the guys on Briefcase Mr Serious thought were out of ultimate or dead or married or all of the above. Don't these guys have gutters to clean, Yard Gaurd to apply, dance recitals to attend? These guys played serious ultimate and dropped out because it wasn't a high priority. That is like taking the most valuable years of your life and grinding them into a sad, pathetic pulp. Now the only thing these guys are serious about is quick, efficent trips to Kohls. Great life choice bros!

The greatest accomplishment of your athletic life

The last third of the men are young, skilled, and in shape, but have never played serious club ultimate. They are co-ed lifers. Brutal. Everybody enjoyed co-ed sports in gym class, but maybe by the age of 27 you should think about graduating from high school. I hope you accomplish something in life before you die so they'll have something to put on your tombstones.


If you aren't playing serious ultimate you're like a piece of warm meat filling an office chair, a red Scion, and slinking from The Bongo Room to Salud getting fatter, drunker, lamer, older--making fewer plays and more jokes. Meanwhile Friday night 11pm Mr Serious and Mr Ultimate are practicing backhand roll curves after bribing the night manager at the Ditka Sports Dome, and going over possible break mark scenarios if we were ever to be marked by Mantue Bol.

Mr Serious and Mr Ultimate saw Miss Casual and Ms Ultimate at the Briefcase final, looking self-involved. Ms Ultimate (the feminist of the two) runs like a puma and looks like she could be playing serious ultimate. But Mr Ultimate suspects her legendary nightlife has held her back.

Miss Casual: does this young lady even play ultimate, or does she just hang out with ultimate players, take pictures and drink Sparks? Let's meet up at Piece afterwards for some house brews and free pizza! Thanks Miss Casual. I wonder why ultimate struggles to gain acceptance as a legitimate sport. Please sequester yourself at Durkins with Bill Finn from June to October.

No Chicago teams made nationals last year? No Chicago men's team has made quarters in 8 years? Let's start a blog! Let's call it "casualultimate." Then sweet players across the country will see how strong chicago ultimate is and want to move here. It's already started to draw new talent.

Miss Casual and Ms Ultimate in 6th period

Don't get me wrong. Mr Serious and Mr Ultimate like to jerk off, but we don't put it online. Each post on casualultimate is like like an insight into the world of ultimate, if the world of ultimate was contained in Niles North High School. See you in study hall Miss Casual and Ms Ultimate.

Haymaker's starting O line

Mr Ultimate observed part of a Haymaker game on Sunday. These guys are struggling to be serious, and Mr Serious and Mr Ultimate appreciate that. Some of their guys were solid and looked like they could really tear up some serious ultimate. Some
of their guys looked like they could really tear up summer league while being gaurded by a
45 year old guy in spandex shorts and a pony tail, then slicing up a watermelon and firing up a Hibachi at half time. Who brought the cooler full of Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade? Haymaker's no Union Crew.

Did Optimus Lime and Third Coast even play at Heavyweights? Do these people realize that they play for the THIRD co-ed team in Chicago? And if they do, do they immediately burst into flames? The THIRD co-ed team. That is like the 9th ring of hell. Mr Serious would rather take a Greyhound completely engulfed in a chemical fire from Chicago to Kankakee making 11 stops on the way than endure the carnival of turnovers that is an Optiums Lime box drill.