Optimus Lime: Don't know you, can't stand you

Last night at 11:00 Mr Serious and Mr Ultimate were sitting naked in the sauna of Cheetah Gym after a 3 hour ultimate specific lifting session that included 7 different types of squats using progressively greater elements of instability, culminating in a double body weight squat set with each foot balanced on a medecine ball.

Mr Serious and Mr Ultimate heat it
up with another Cheetah Gym patron.

Anything less would have been like giving the disc to the other team with a red bow on it. While recovering in the sauna, Mr Serious and Mr Ultimate wondered aloud about Optimus Lime. We don't know anyone on Optimus Lime. I am sure they are all nice men and women. They're likely fun to hang out with. They're probably good to their parents. Maybe they do volunteer work on weekends, helping the poor keep their heat on during the winter. All Mr Serious is asking is that they disband the team and burn their jerseys.

Optimus Lime, you play co-ed ultimate. That's a fact. And while I can't gainsay your ontology, that is kind of like being a professional Hungry Hungry Hippos player. But hey, that's your life choice. Some people like to play hot, intense, serious ultimate with sweet hucks and sick layouts, and some people like to snap furiously at colored marbles with little plastic hippo heads. To each his own. But if you're going to be a professional Hungry Hungry Hippos player, at least be good at it. At least Mr Briefcase can say, We're the number 11 Hungry Hungry Hippos player in the country. That's something. We are somebody. But Optimus Lime, you're the number 431 Hungry Hungry Hippos player in the country.

Optimus Lime practice gets intense.

At some point you've got to say, Maybe it's time I stop playing a game reccomended for ages 8 and up, move out of my parents house and get a job at Best Buy. Don't you ever get up in the morning and question the meaning of it all while your mom makes you an omlet? Optimus Lime, you have come to a decisive moment in your life. Either you start living a purposeful life, or you start an ultimate blog about you and your friends going to Rodan.

Why don't Optimus Lime and Third Coast just combine to make a team that sucks less? Mr Serious knows why they don't combine. Ultimate politics. Ultimate politics represents the complete negation and destruction of serious ultimate. Ultimate politics is for people who would rather play games than win games. Ultimate politics is for people who would rather feel emotions than play ultimate. In short, ultimate politics is for douche faces. As a community service, Mr Serious will now offer remedies to your ultimate politics dilemmas.

Ultimate politics hard at work.

Conundrum #1: A guy who has been on your team for a long time and who has a number of friends on the team is getting fat and greasy. Had he just been some random player, he might have been cut already. But because of his social capital, he continues to stay on, even though he's no longer capable of really contributing to the team. To complicate matters, he thinks he's still good. How should you handle this delicate situation?
Mr Serious counsels: Cut him via text message.

Conundrum #2: You're fat, or you just don't like winning, and you play co-ed. One of the best women players on your team has a boyfriend who is also on the team but who sucks. However, you're apprehensive about getting rid of him for fear of alienating his girlfriend, who you really need. She has hinted that if her boyfriend doesn't make the team, she would leave the team as well.
Mr Serious counsels: Cut them both at a tournament. They can run the sweetest two person weave of all time while reflecting on how they're more important that the team while Mr Serious pukes.

Conundrum #3: Your co-ed team blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah.
Mr Serious counsels: Cut them all.