Serious Ultimate goes to Regionals

Mr Serious and Mr Ultimate recently enjoyed a glorious weekend in Naperville, attending one of our favorite kinds of tournaments: an elimination tournament. Sure, Nationals gives Mr Serious a boner the size of a rocket booster. Yet at the conclusion of Nationals, every team's season is over, whether you finish 1st or 16th. But at Regionals, a few select teams move forward, while all the teams that have been half-assing it, taking shortcuts and makes excuses will have their hopes and dreams trampled, spit on and raped. Thus it was with great anticipation that Mr Serious and Mr Ultimate arrived at the TD's tent Saturday morning, ready to watch spirits crushed in the Open Division, the Women's Division, and those other divisions whatever they are.

Finally, Chicago will return to the national ultimate scene, sending three teams to Nationals this year. That's right, Machine, Nemesis and Real Huck will be representing Chicago in Sarasota. Just Machine, Nemesis, and Real Huck. No other team from Chicago, as far as Mr Serious and Mr Ultimate know, are going to Nationals.

Machine, how could you lose
to this guy in Semis?

Mr Serious saw Nemesis narrowly edge Bait to win the region in dramatic fashion. Well done ladies. Meanwhile, Mr Ultimate watched Machine lost to BAT 15-13 or so in very unserious fashion. Come on boys.

Madcow's starting O line celebrates after a victory.
Machine couldn't stop these guys?

How can you lose to a team that features two dudes with pony tails, three dudes with man tits, and one dude with both.For a moment I thought Machine had been demoted to the co-ed division, but it was just Gelo. We hoped to see Machine bounce back, but then they collapsed against Madcow and were banished to the third place bracket. Mr Ultimate went to CVS at halftime of this game and bought eight clipboards, then broke all of them during the second half. Madcow? These guys only have six teeth between them. Happily, Machine gutted it out and won three straight to take the super back door over Madison.

Sub Zero came out on top at Regionals.
They're so hot right now.

On the other side of the bracket, Mr Serious watched Haymaker lose 15-12 in a surprisingly tight game with that troupe of preening male models who play ultimate on the side under the name Sub Zero. Mr Serious later learned that Haymaker then proceeded to lose their next game to some college team.

What's it going to be Haymaker?

Mr Serious and Mr Ultimate haven't been this teased since Twin Peaks. One day you're playing sick ultimate and tempting us to board the Haymaker bandwagon, and the next day you're losing to the the New Trier girls field hockey team. Enough Haymaker. Decide that you're going to be a serious ultimate team, or pick up some women, stop practicing, inhale six Ho Hos a day and join the co-ed division.

Third Coast and Optimus Lime finished somewhere
between The Gluttonous and The Hoarders

Optimus Lime and Third Coast; I have a life to live. I can't spend my time writing up your hellish Regional results.

Ok. Mr Serious has neglected to mention that Mr Briefcase made Nationals too. Briefcase was seeded second out of 16 teams, with only 15 bids to Nationals up for grabs. Despite this pressure cooker atmosphere, Briefcase garnered the one seed from the Central Region. Actually, Mr Briefcase finished second. The Chad Larson Experience won the region, but Briefcase gets the one seed because Chad Larson isn't attending Nationals. That's right. Chad Larson won the fucking region, and they finished 3/4 at Nationals last year, but this year they've decided not to go to Nationals.

Mr Ultimate was hospitalized after hearing that
CLEX turned down their bid to Nationals.

What kind of a jiztastic diarrhea milksop division is the co-ed division? I just threw up my spleen, ate it back up to get the bad taste out of my mouth, then threw it up again. Mr Ultimate had a siesure and I had to put a wooden spoon in his mouth to keep him from swollowing his tongue. He was rushed to the ER where he was stabilized and moved to intensive care, and he may not make our plyo workout tomorrow. Is the entire co-ed division an elaborate joke on Mr Serious and Mr Ultimate? If it is, Touche. It's a good joke. But if it's not a joke, what the fuck is it? Well I guess it's Congratulations to Mr Briefcase and the 14 other Co-ed Nationals qualifiers from the Central Region. You have garnered a prize freely discarded and freshly shit on.