Mr Serious' sartorial suggestions to self-styled serious ultimate players

Last night at around 11, Mr Ultimate returned home from an ultimate-specific visualization session in a sensory deprevation chamber. Mr Ultimate believes that confidence and visualization are integral parts of tournament preperation, and thus spent two hours in complete blackness, visualizing myself in various spiking scenarios in the UPA Club Finals.

At home, I noticed that I had several unsent emails saved in my Drafts folder, which I have been meaning to send but haven't for lack of the person's email address. So I've decided to send these overdue sartorial sentiments as open notes, to the adressees listed as follows.

To the summer league all star: congratulations on your Under Armour compression shorts, Under Armour jersey, Under Armour shorts, Under Armour socks, Under Armour headband and Under Armour wristband. You still fucking blow. Is it Halloween already? because you have a fucking sweet Ultimate Player costume.

What's the score ultimate visor?

The ultimate player wearing an ultimate visor: Welcome to 1999. Your rec ultimate future is so bright you have to shade your eyes. Do you play ultimate or golf, because you train like a golfer.

This is an ultimate game, not
Total Request Live, prick bag.

The ultimate player rocking your hat sideways or askew: you better be able to drop a 80 yard forehand on a dime, because you're the biggest douchebag on the field.

Gearing up for the Fall
season at Kincaid's.

The ultimate player sporting "ultimate wear" in a non-ultimate setting: Hey dude, I see you've decided to wear your Gaia visor, VC warm up jacket, and Five Ultimate t-shirt to Grand Central. You must be really serious about ultimate. Too bad you haven't seen the inside of a gym in 2 years. Some people train for ultimate, you just buy gear. How's your Fall league team doing?

Nice capri tights, tardo.

The ultimate player sporting capri tights: There's nothing wrong with spandex tights in cold weather--they allow increased freedom of motion over track pants. That's seriously functional. But what's the point of tights that only come down to mid-calf? Did you wake up in the morning and say, Mm, it's going to be too cold for compression shorts, but too warm for full length tights. I'll go with my Old Navy capri tights! I hope that extra 10 inches of breathability is worth looking like a flaming tard.

The ultimate player wearing a skirt: Who gave you the green light to make life decisions? Was it supportive parents? Encouraging teachers? A liberal arts college? Well they fucked up. You should be sequestered until you recognize:
a) The difference between being in public and being in your own little world where you are awesome.
b) That you are not the only person in the world.
c) That your actions have consequences for other people.