Optimus Lime: Don't know you, can't stand you

Last night at 11:00 Mr Serious and Mr Ultimate were sitting naked in the sauna of Cheetah Gym after a 3 hour ultimate specific lifting session that included 7 different types of squats using progressively greater elements of instability, culminating in a double body weight squat set with each foot balanced on a medecine ball.

Mr Serious and Mr Ultimate heat it
up with another Cheetah Gym patron.

Anything less would have been like giving the disc to the other team with a red bow on it. While recovering in the sauna, Mr Serious and Mr Ultimate wondered aloud about Optimus Lime. We don't know anyone on Optimus Lime. I am sure they are all nice men and women. They're likely fun to hang out with. They're probably good to their parents. Maybe they do volunteer work on weekends, helping the poor keep their heat on during the winter. All Mr Serious is asking is that they disband the team and burn their jerseys.

Optimus Lime, you play co-ed ultimate. That's a fact. And while I can't gainsay your ontology, that is kind of like being a professional Hungry Hungry Hippos player. But hey, that's your life choice. Some people like to play hot, intense, serious ultimate with sweet hucks and sick layouts, and some people like to snap furiously at colored marbles with little plastic hippo heads. To each his own. But if you're going to be a professional Hungry Hungry Hippos player, at least be good at it. At least Mr Briefcase can say, We're the number 11 Hungry Hungry Hippos player in the country. That's something. We are somebody. But Optimus Lime, you're the number 431 Hungry Hungry Hippos player in the country.

Optimus Lime practice gets intense.

At some point you've got to say, Maybe it's time I stop playing a game reccomended for ages 8 and up, move out of my parents house and get a job at Best Buy. Don't you ever get up in the morning and question the meaning of it all while your mom makes you an omlet? Optimus Lime, you have come to a decisive moment in your life. Either you start living a purposeful life, or you start an ultimate blog about you and your friends going to Rodan.

Why don't Optimus Lime and Third Coast just combine to make a team that sucks less? Mr Serious knows why they don't combine. Ultimate politics. Ultimate politics represents the complete negation and destruction of serious ultimate. Ultimate politics is for people who would rather play games than win games. Ultimate politics is for people who would rather feel emotions than play ultimate. In short, ultimate politics is for douche faces. As a community service, Mr Serious will now offer remedies to your ultimate politics dilemmas.

Ultimate politics hard at work.

Conundrum #1: A guy who has been on your team for a long time and who has a number of friends on the team is getting fat and greasy. Had he just been some random player, he might have been cut already. But because of his social capital, he continues to stay on, even though he's no longer capable of really contributing to the team. To complicate matters, he thinks he's still good. How should you handle this delicate situation?
Mr Serious counsels: Cut him via text message.

Conundrum #2: You're fat, or you just don't like winning, and you play co-ed. One of the best women players on your team has a boyfriend who is also on the team but who sucks. However, you're apprehensive about getting rid of him for fear of alienating his girlfriend, who you really need. She has hinted that if her boyfriend doesn't make the team, she would leave the team as well.
Mr Serious counsels: Cut them both at a tournament. They can run the sweetest two person weave of all time while reflecting on how they're more important that the team while Mr Serious pukes.

Conundrum #3: Your co-ed team blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah.
Mr Serious counsels: Cut them all.

Heavy at Heavyweights

Mr Serious and Mr Ultimate were in attendance at Chicago Heavyweights the other weekend. Lots of fuckin' hot serious ultimate. Serious ultimate gives Mr Ultimate and Mr Serious a reason to live life and a way to live it fucking right. If you don't think about ultimate the moment you wake up, when you put head to pillow at night, and while you're kissing your girlfriend, you are living with your head underground and breathing thick mud. Ultimate motherfucker!

Nemesis won the women's divison over Mojo with some sickly serious play. Mia, Mel, Becky, Hellyer and Co were balling as usual. Way to go ladies. Machine won their first pool with a big victory over Sub, then blew it after being up big on Pike, putting them into the semi-serious 5th place bracket. Come on boys. Put your foot on their nuts. There has been no indication on Mike Denardis' scintillating blog about whether he's going to quit the team two weeks before regionals to play co-ed. But a rumor reached the ears of Mr Ultimate that Mr Briefcase has a Youth M jersey waiting for him.

Speaking of, Mr Briefcase made it to the co-ed finals. Mr Serious and Mr Ultimate were on hand for the first point, but then decided it would be more enjoyable to get spontaneous proctology exams from this guy. Mr Serious can't concieve of a more appropriate venue for Briefcase to bust out of the pack than a tournament called "Heavyweights." Briefcase doesn't seem to be taking a casual attitude towards cases of ding dongs. I didn't know

Mr Briefcase takes a breather between points

Under Armor made maternity jerseys.

A third of the guys on the team look like they haven't seen a track workout since college. Mr Ultimate suspects the influence of their strength and conditioning coach. Sure, Mr Serious plans to grow a huge gut and play beer league softball when he's 38 and living in Rolling Meadows, but not quite yet.

Another third of the guys on Briefcase Mr Serious thought were out of ultimate or dead or married or all of the above. Don't these guys have gutters to clean, Yard Gaurd to apply, dance recitals to attend? These guys played serious ultimate and dropped out because it wasn't a high priority. That is like taking the most valuable years of your life and grinding them into a sad, pathetic pulp. Now the only thing these guys are serious about is quick, efficent trips to Kohls. Great life choice bros!

The greatest accomplishment of your athletic life

The last third of the men are young, skilled, and in shape, but have never played serious club ultimate. They are co-ed lifers. Brutal. Everybody enjoyed co-ed sports in gym class, but maybe by the age of 27 you should think about graduating from high school. I hope you accomplish something in life before you die so they'll have something to put on your tombstones.


If you aren't playing serious ultimate you're like a piece of warm meat filling an office chair, a red Scion, and slinking from The Bongo Room to Salud getting fatter, drunker, lamer, older--making fewer plays and more jokes. Meanwhile Friday night 11pm Mr Serious and Mr Ultimate are practicing backhand roll curves after bribing the night manager at the Ditka Sports Dome, and going over possible break mark scenarios if we were ever to be marked by Mantue Bol.

Mr Serious and Mr Ultimate saw Miss Casual and Ms Ultimate at the Briefcase final, looking self-involved. Ms Ultimate (the feminist of the two) runs like a puma and looks like she could be playing serious ultimate. But Mr Ultimate suspects her legendary nightlife has held her back.

Miss Casual: does this young lady even play ultimate, or does she just hang out with ultimate players, take pictures and drink Sparks? Let's meet up at Piece afterwards for some house brews and free pizza! Thanks Miss Casual. I wonder why ultimate struggles to gain acceptance as a legitimate sport. Please sequester yourself at Durkins with Bill Finn from June to October.

No Chicago teams made nationals last year? No Chicago men's team has made quarters in 8 years? Let's start a blog! Let's call it "casualultimate." Then sweet players across the country will see how strong chicago ultimate is and want to move here. It's already started to draw new talent.

Miss Casual and Ms Ultimate in 6th period

Don't get me wrong. Mr Serious and Mr Ultimate like to jerk off, but we don't put it online. Each post on casualultimate is like like an insight into the world of ultimate, if the world of ultimate was contained in Niles North High School. See you in study hall Miss Casual and Ms Ultimate.

Haymaker's starting O line

Mr Ultimate observed part of a Haymaker game on Sunday. These guys are struggling to be serious, and Mr Serious and Mr Ultimate appreciate that. Some of their guys were solid and looked like they could really tear up some serious ultimate. Some
of their guys looked like they could really tear up summer league while being gaurded by a
45 year old guy in spandex shorts and a pony tail, then slicing up a watermelon and firing up a Hibachi at half time. Who brought the cooler full of Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade? Haymaker's no Union Crew.

Did Optimus Lime and Third Coast even play at Heavyweights? Do these people realize that they play for the THIRD co-ed team in Chicago? And if they do, do they immediately burst into flames? The THIRD co-ed team. That is like the 9th ring of hell. Mr Serious would rather take a Greyhound completely engulfed in a chemical fire from Chicago to Kankakee making 11 stops on the way than endure the carnival of turnovers that is an Optiums Lime box drill.